Ugh | 2nddec's Blog

Ugh what's wrong with me. I can't seem to do anything right lately. It's this time of the year that makes me question my whole existence. I'm having trouble focusing on my exams and then I'm having mental breakdowns when I crawl into a corner and cry because I've been wasting my time doing nothing at all when I should have been studying. I can't stand the fact that I know i'm ruining my life by doing nothing or even putting the effort into trying something different but instead I just torture myself with over thinking everything and pointing out the things I did and keep doing wrong. It's nice of everyone for leaving me alone because I should be studying but I can't help but feel lonely. But... There are people I wish would leave me alone. I don't know why some people have this idea of me being smart and being able to handle everything but the truth is, it's not true. I'm a huge mess and most times when I look tough and independent, I just need someone to actually care when they ask me if i'm alright. Yes god damnit I'm fine if that's what you want to hear. Well I shouldn't blame anyone because everyone is caught up in their own miserable battles but it would help if we stopped faking our happiness and really try looking for it. We are just too scared to open up and be vulnerable for once because we are afraid of what the other person might think of us but the worst case scenario is that they might think that we are pathetic but at the bright side, you know where you stand with your so called friendship but.. what if.. you open up and the other person feels like that too and you get to work things out together. It's nice to know that you're not alone.... Look at me, I'm in wonderland again. I keep rattling about friendship and opening up to people when I know I won't ever do such things. A few days ago I heard from my mother that I had become such a pessimistic person who doesn't trust anyone and doesn't believe in themselves anymore. Well mother, some lovely people changed me, isn't that delightful?! Too bad there doesn't exist a sarcasm smiley or whatever because it's horrible into what I've changed. I just need a break from myself and everything around me. It would be wonderful if I just stopped breathing... and there I go again, being a pathetic lonely depressed person... Damn it I should be studying instead of feeling miserable. The worst part is that I'm not sure why I'm starting to feel so self-distructive again because nothing bad happened lately. Yes I'm lonely and forced to study but it doesn't explain why I hate everything about myself... If only you were here. It would make everything so much better.