2nddec's Blog

Ugh what's wrong with me. I can't seem to do anything right lately. It's this time of the year that makes me question my whole existence. I'm having trouble focusing on my exams and then I'm having mental breakdowns when I crawl into a corner and cry because I've been wasting my time doing nothing at all when I should have been studying. I can't stand the fact that I know i'm ruining my life by doing nothing or even putting the effort into trying something different but instead I just torture myself with over thinking everything and pointing out the things I did and keep doing wrong. It's nice of everyone for leaving me alone because I should be studying but I can't help but feel lonely. But... There are people I wish would leave me alone. I don't know why some people have this idea of me being smart and being able to handle everything but the truth is, it's not true. I'm a huge mess and most times when I look tough and independent, I just need someone to actually care when they ask me if i'm alright. Yes god damnit I'm fine if that's what you want to hear. Well I shouldn't blame anyone because everyone is caught up in their own miserable battles but it would help if we stopped faking our happiness and really try looking for it. We are just too scared to open up and be vulnerable for once because we are afraid of what the other person might think of us but the worst case scenario is that they might think that we are pathetic but at the bright side, you know where you stand with your so called friendship but.. what if.. you open up and the other person feels like that too and you get to work things out together. It's nice to know that you're not alone.... Look at me, I'm in wonderland again. I keep rattling about friendship and opening up to people when I know I won't ever do such things. A few days ago I heard from my mother that I had become such a pessimistic person who doesn't trust anyone and doesn't believe in themselves anymore. Well mother, some lovely people changed me, isn't that delightful?! Too bad there doesn't exist a sarcasm smiley or whatever because it's horrible into what I've changed. I just need a break from myself and everything around me. It would be wonderful if I just stopped breathing... and there I go again, being a pathetic lonely depressed person... Damn it I should be studying instead of feeling miserable. The worst part is that I'm not sure why I'm starting to feel so self-distructive again because nothing bad happened lately. Yes I'm lonely and forced to study but it doesn't explain why I hate everything about myself... If only you were here. It would make everything so much better. 

Stupid stubborn me, how could you be so retarded? how can you mess up everything so easily? I hate you so much! Pathetic person. You except everyone to help you but why would they waste their  time trying to help someone so useless. I wish you died already. Such a fun way to start a new year... 

Oh, how it hurts to be ignored by the one person you love the most...

I think I’m starting to realize that writing and talking to you feels like I’m talking to the wind because you’re not really there but somehow I still feel your presence here. I keep talking and talking and writing to you but it's like you aren’t there anymore and you used to be so real to me. Now you’re like a ghost who comes and fades away as soon as I get closer. 

It's terrifying how much I want to talk to you and spend time with you but as soon as I start talking to you, I start saying goodbye even though that's the last thing I actually want to do. The truth is that I don't want to leave but I'm scared that I'll annoy you or I feel like I'm forcing you to talk to me. It's just that I see such an amazing person and when I look at myself I'm not at least half as good as you. I get annoyed of everything that I say so I force myself to shut up which makes you feel like I don't really want to talk to you. So here I am all alone in my room with all my thoughts that are suffocating me because I couldn't bring myself to share them with you. It's been awhile since I could talk to you without feeling guilty and feeling like I mess up at everything that I do. To tell you the truth, for awhile you made me feel like the most worthless person on earth especially because you're never messed up which made it look like I was weird and dumb. No matter how hurt or lonely I am, I can't stop myself from wanting to talk to you even if i had a thousand reason not to talk to you, ì would still want to hear your voice. Yet you don't realize how much you mean to me?!